I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup - just pleased to be there.

I've never said flange to a monkey!

If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers.

She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!

When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.