I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup - just pleased to be there.

I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb.

Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!

Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?