Hopefully the person I'm trying to create is just a funny, dour, evil side of myself that has no other way to express itself. I don't model it after anyone in particular. Who would be like that? Who? I wouldn't want to meet that person. I wouldn't want to be interviewed by that person, I can tell you that.

I hate birthdays. I thought that I only hated my own birthday, and then I realized that I hate my children's birthdays too.

A lot of comedy is really DIY. You're kind of doing it yourself.

Christmas: It's the only religious holiday that's also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.

You've got to have gumption. You've got to be willing to stand up on the stage for no money for ten years.

Last year people won more than one billion dollars playing poker. And casinos made twenty-seven billion just by being around those people.

The worst thing you can do to a dictator is laugh at him.