When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.

I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment.

If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.

Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it "The No Fact Zone.