Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American.

I gut check my show. I say, I say, "Gut, gut, does that feel true to you?" And Gut says, "Yes it does, Stephen. Let's get a grilled cheese sandwich."

I'm impervious to logic.

As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds!

I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.

It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.

I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don't have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave.