You see, we're America the Beautiful, not America 'Well, At Least She Has a Great Personality'.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.

I'm not a standup. I didn't start off as a writer, I learned to write through improvisation, and so that's the part of the show that can most surprise me. The written part of the show, I know I can get wrong. You can't really get the interview "wrong."

Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie.

Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire triangle: Oxygen, heat and fuel. Fire needs all three to exist. It's like the three branches of our government: Legislative, judicial and executive. The fewer there are, the safer we are.

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ