Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics.

There is a residual sense for me, having grown up in the early '70s, that I did not know I had, which was a sense that the military are different than I. Because there was such a divide between the military world - and there still is, because there's no draft - and the civilian world is one of the rotten harvests of the Vietnam War, was this sort of bifurcation of America in that way.

brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.

I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.

(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.

Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob.