Be so good they can't ignore you.

It's not the size of the nose that matters, it's what's inside that counts.

I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.

The real joy is in constructing a sentence. But I see myself as an actor first because writing is what you do when you are ready and acting is what you do when someone else is ready.

The only thing that bothers me is if I'm in a restaurant and I'm eating and someone says, 'Hey, mind if I smoke?' I always say, 'No. Mind if I fart?

I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... an Arctic region covered with ice.

It [live performance] is just very difficult. Doing an hour, hour and a half of live standup is an endurance test. You almost have to do it every day to stay up on it.