The real joy is in constructing a sentence. But I see myself as an actor first because writing is what you do when you are ready and acting is what you do when someone else is ready.

I'm not a human being. I'm despicable and disgusting - but that's where the money is.

Kids like my act because I'm wearing nose glasses. Adults like my act because there's a guy who thinks putting on nose glasses is funny.

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

I have found that-- just as in real life--imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience.

A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

introductions are hard to come by when your natural state is shyness