I actually credit Twitter with fine-tuning some joke-writing skills. I still feel like I'm working at it.

You want to know how I think art should be taught to children? Take them to a museum and say, 'This is art, and you can't do it.

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.

The overhead lights reflect in the glass countertop and mingle in the gray and black of the gloves, resulting in a mother-of-pearl swirl that sometimes sends Mirabelle into a shallow hypnotic dream.

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.

I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.

After one of my plays came out, I had mixed reviews, some bad and some good. One day, it dawned on me. I thought, 'I wrote a play and he wrote a review, and that's the difference between him and me.'