I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.

Always do business as if the person you're doing business with is trying to screw you, because he probably is. And if he's not, you can be pleasantly surprised.

I didn't come from a wealthy family. I had no money. Maybe it goes back to naivete which is your greatest asset when you're young. If I was starting in comedy today and if it didn't work the first time, I'd probably quit. But I kept at it, kept at it.

You cannot make your opportunities concur with the opportunities of people whose incomes are ten times greater than yours.

I'm not trying to be a big shot or anything like that, but I get my drinks half price.

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

Stand-up life is really hard. At one point, I got so paralyzed I could write five screenplays before I could write three jokes for stand-up. Later, I've finally allowed myself to relax quite a bit, to think I can do it because I've done it in the past. The pressure to come up with the material is the same but the anxiety about whether I can do it is gone.