I don't really manage my time. I really just wait until I'm inspired to do something. And when I'm inspired to do something, it just happens.

Stand-up life is really hard. At one point, I got so paralyzed I could write five screenplays before I could write three jokes for stand-up. Later, I've finally allowed myself to relax quite a bit, to think I can do it because I've done it in the past. The pressure to come up with the material is the same but the anxiety about whether I can do it is gone.

There's a big difference between the National Book Awards and the Academy Awards. At the Academy Awards you can feel the greed and envy and ego. Whereas the National Book Awards are in New York.

His view of the world is one that keeps his blood pressure low, sweeping the cholesterol from his relaxed, freeway-sized arteries. Everyone knows he is going to live till age ninety, although the question that goes begging is, “for what?

The conscious mind is the editor, and the subconscious mind is the writer.

Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.