You're not right in the head, and nor am I, and this is why....this is why I like you.

The rhino is now more or less extinct, and it's not because of global warming or shrinking habitats. It's because of Beyonce's handbags.

I was driving my car, I crashed and broke my spine. So yes there are things worse in life than never being someone's sweetie.

I'm just happy being dumpy. Dumpy, fat and middle-aged.

I was never young. This idea of fun: cars, girls, saturday night, bottle of wine... to me, these things are morbid. I was always attracted to people with the same problems as me. It doesn't help when most of them are dead.

Nothing is important, so people, realising that, should get on with their lives, go mad, take their clothes off, jump in the canal, jump into one of those supermarket trolleys, race around the supermarket and steal Mars bars and kiss kittens.

Can you squeeze me into an empty page of your diary and psychologically save me?