I think I'm a realist. Which people who don't like me consider to be pessimism. It isn't pessimism at all. If I was a pessimist I wouldn't get up, I wouldn't shave, I wouldn't watch Batman at 7:30 a.m. Pessimists just don't do that sort of thing.

Close your eyes, and think of someone you physically admire, and let me kiss you.

Life would be so colourful if only I had a drink problem.

I'm just happy being dumpy. Dumpy, fat and middle-aged.

I think I must be, absolutely, a total sex object. In every sense of the word.

On the day that your mentality Decides to catch up with your biology, Come 'round

I would never, ever do anything as vulgar as having fun.