I have a lot of friends who are getting married. I try to avoid talking to them about their sex lives now 'cause it's so depressing. One guy told me it had been six months since he had gotten to second base with his wife. Yeah, I don't know which one was more pathetic: that he used the phrase 'second base' or that he hadn't been there in six months?

The more you perform, the more adept you get at the nuances of navigating that communal conversation.

I'm keeping in shape, you know, gotta look good for the ladies - and certain guys. Hey, I can't control who's looking. I just gotta bring the heat.

Ultimately, an audience wants to laugh. That's who they like, the comedian who makes them laugh.

I'm just looking for a little mystery in life... like things you can't explain. Like, you go to Mexico, they tell you don't drink the water. You go to any diner here, who brings you the water? It's a mystery.

In terms of my own work ethic, I've always been a determined person. When I'm focused on something, I try to see it through.

If you're funny, you can find a stage to get on. If you're good, you'll start to get work and eventually get paid.