Just because someone's a member of an ethnic minority doesn't mean they're not a nasty small-minded little jerk [...]

The brain works fast when it thinks it’s about to be cut in half.

A European says: I can't understand this, what's wrong with me? An American says: I can't understand this, what's wrong with him? I make no suggestion that one side or other is right, but observation over many years leads me to believe it is true.

Mr. Tulip lived his life on that thin line most people occupy just before they haul off and hit someone repeatedly with a wrench.

Five exclamation marks: the sure sign of an insane mind.

Just to keep bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.

Next comes the realist phase ("After all, from a purely geometrical point of view a cat is only a tube with a door at the top.")