My only means of self defense is to wiggle my eye and feign being a salamander. It has saved my life but once I was partially eaten by a bald eagle who thought I was a salamander. Hence, my skills. Hence.

I wanted to live with the ****ing manta rays, but they banned me from Sea World.

I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.

Sometimes we and the members of Coldplay have an orgy together, (Martin) insists we don't invite any women, but I always invite a few. Usually I sing Fake Plastic Trees while he reams me from behind *Laughs* It wears me out *laughs*.

I'm Chris Martin with down syndrome

The only real difference between me and chocolate pudding is that I am not a black man.

If you Americans aren't from the stone age then explain to me how your president is a ****ing pterodactyl