I once tried playing baseball but I started crying.

Sometimes the nicest thing to do with a guitar is just look at it.

The pointless snide remarks of hammerheaded sharks

Well, it only dawned on me about six months ago that not everybody's against me all the time. It was something of a revelation.

I want to be alone and I want people to notice me — both at the same time.

So how come it looks so beautiful? How come the moon falls from the sky?

I don't even have children, it's just been an excuse to play jenga and hit softballs in my backyard with a box of laundry detergant wearing baby clothes.