It's like being a little kid again, parading around in a nightgown tucked into your underpants, believing it looks terrific.

There should be a new, more honest euphemism. Like, I'm leaving office because I plan to solicit more anonymous sex in bathrooms.

This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in ten thousand pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over fourteen thousand dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him.

Now every girl is expected to have: Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.

The same ten minutes that magazines urge me to use for sit-ups and triceps dips, I used for sobbing.

Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue.

I was wearing my best Gap turtleneck and my dates were two adult lesbians, so yea, I was pretty cool.