When I started on 'Saturday Night Live,' I had the choice of wearing contact lenses, which I had never worn before, or glasses, in order to be able to read the cue cards.

I grew up in a family of Republicans. And when I was 18 and registering to vote, my mom’s only instruction was ‘You just go in and pull the big Republican lever.’ That’s my welcome to adulthood. She’s like, ‘No, don’t even read it. Just pull the Republican lever.

Sometimes you want to have a very productive Saturday to feel that you are in control of your life, which of course you are not.

It's harder to make something good when you can't curse all the time.

I want to thank my parents for somehow raising me to have confidence that is disproportionate with my looks and abilities.

We're gonna promote freedom. Usher in democratic values and ideals. And fight terror-loving terrorists.

There should be a new, more honest euphemism. Like, I'm leaving office because I plan to solicit more anonymous sex in bathrooms.