When choosing sexual partners, remember: Talent is not sexually transmittable.

There's a Drunk Midget in My House Ah, babies! They're more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts. Like most people who have had one baby, I am an expert on everythiing and will tell you, unsolicited, how to raise your kid!

Ladies gotta say no to their husbands at the movies. They gotta say: "No, we are watching back-to-back cancer movies. And then this movie about a cat."

I do like to start on time; I like to set the bar high for people.

Your initiations are worthwhile.

I'm not that good looking... nobody is that good looking. I have seen a lot of movie stars, and maybe four are amazing looking. The rest have a team of gay guys who make it happen.

It's like being a little kid again, parading around in a nightgown tucked into your underpants, believing it looks terrific.