You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.

Every kid has something they're good at, that you hope they find and gravitate toward.

I think for women especially, you need to have a plan. I need to have some other ways to generate income, so I don't have to stretch my face or lift the top of my head with surgery or something.

I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.

Sometimes if you have a difficult decisin to make, just stall until the answer presents itself.

Feminists do the best Photoshop because they leave the meat on your bones. They don’t change your size or your skin color. They leave in your disgusting knuckles, but they may take out some armpit stubble. Not because they’re denying its existence, but because they understand that it’s okay to make a photo look as if you were caught on your best day in the best light.

You have to try your hardest to be at the top of your game and improve every joke you can until the last possible second, and then you have to let it go.