Your initiations are worthwhile.

There are a couple of things I want to impart to ladies who want to be in comedy: One, you don’t have to be weird or be quirky to get your job done. And two, comedy skill is not sexually transmittable. You do not have to sleep with a comedian to learn what you’re doing. Male comedians will not like that advice, but it is the truth.

I'm married, you know. I love my husband and I have a child.

I think someone should design exercise machines that reward people with sex at the end of their workouts, because people will perform superhuman feats for even the faint hope of that.

I don't like my feet. I'm not crazy about anybody's feet. But I have flat feet.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.