In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.

I was like, oh, I want to sign up for "Catwoman," and then Anne Hathaway had already signed up for it.

I have to say, I'm really not that attractive. Until I met my husband, I could not get a date.

At some point, you realize that people might be laughing at your jokes because they're afraid not to laugh.

My parents raised me that you never ask people about their reproductive plans. “You don’t know their situation,” my mom would say. I considered it such an impolite question that for years I didn’t even ask myself. Thirty-five turned into forty faster than McDonald’s food turns into cold nonfood.

I have no affinity for animals. I don’t hate animals and I would never hurt an animal; I just don’t actively care about them. When a coworker shows me cute pictures of her dog, I struggle to respond correctly, like an autistic person who has been taught to recognize human emotions from flash cards. In short, I am the worst.