In my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can't say 'girl.'

Don't write naughty words on the wall if you can't spell!

On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.

Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize.

To me, being funny is more important than making a point, but I don't know. Most politicians are so interested in making points that they don't ... I'd rather be funny myself, and I'd rather listen to somebody with a little sense of humor.

Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

Alas, irreverence has been subsumed by mere grossness, at least in the so-called mass media. What we have now - to quote myself at my most pretentious - is a nimiety of scurrility with a concomitant exiguity of taste.