In my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can't say 'girl.'

Soon we'll be out amid the cold world's strife. Soon we'll be sliding down the razor blade of life. But as we go our sordid sep'rate ways, We shall ne'er forget thee, thou golden college days. Hearts full of youth, Hearts full of truth, Six parts gin to one part vermouth.

Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh.

If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend, or perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while.

It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.

Oh, the Protestants hate the Catholics/ And the Catholics hate the Protestants/ And the Hindus hate the Muslims/ And everybody hates the Jews.

Base eight is just like base ten really, if you're missing two fingers.