If I can't get people to commit themselves on whether or not there is a square root of two, then I won't touch on God or anything here

Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

To me, being funny is more important than making a point, but I don't know. Most politicians are so interested in making points that they don't ... I'd rather be funny myself, and I'd rather listen to somebody with a little sense of humor.

If you asked me to write a rock song or a rap song, I couldn't do it because they're not in my fingers.

Irreverence is easy - whats hard is wit.

Soon we'll be out amid the cold world's strife. Soon we'll be sliding down the razor blade of life. But as we go our sordid sep'rate ways, We shall ne'er forget thee, thou golden college days. Hearts full of youth, Hearts full of truth, Six parts gin to one part vermouth.

I ache for the touch of your lips dear, but much more for the touch of your whips dear.