Be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you.

Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these days, in books and plays and movies, Is the inability of people to communicate with the people they love: husbands and wives who can't communicate, Children who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on, And in real life, I might add, spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up!

And although I'm all for freedom of expression and against censorship, there are certain things I'm not willing to go to jail for.

If the hoods don't get you, the monoxide will.

Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize.

Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.

I ache for the touch of your lips dear, but much more for the touch of your whips dear.