I want to act in America's interest and stop making shallow, sweeping claims about countries we don't fully understand and hope everything will be fine in the end. I saw that happen and it didn't work.

Dogs are intelligent beings; they are not human beings. The life of a dog - there's no equivalency with the life of a person, and if you are putting a dog in the line of danger to save human life, and they can do the job reasonably well, I mean, seriously, what about dignity and self-respect? I feel like going out to dinner, I think I will have my cocker spaniel host the show tonight.

Rich people making their houses bigger in order to make their lives happier wind up hurting their own marriages. There's a deep irony here. Do the couples perceive that irony?

Canada thinks we're married; we don't know it exists. Every time we tell Canada to knock it off, it just feeds the fire.

I'm not vouching for Putin's character, he seems like a shady guy. Hard to see why he's a threat was.

Every single comedian in Canada is now living in the United States.

There's no suggestion of why people might have voted for [Donald] Trump.