The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.

Someday the lion is going to lie down with the lamb, but the lamb isn't going to get much sleep.

Life is for the living.

I don't mind dying... as long as I don't have to be there when it happens.

Believing would be easier if God would show himself by depositing a million dollars in a Swiss bank account in my name

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

The only love that lasts is unrequited love.