In the event of war, I'm a hostage.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

For some reason I've always had an irrational love for New York. There's no reason that you would necessarily like it on paper. It's very expensive.

Fantasy is seductive and much more wonderful than reality, but you can't take it to the bank. It's always an escape. And if used as an escape, as in attending a movie or a show for a circumscribed period of time, it's fine. When it starts to become undifferentiated from reality, it leads to big trouble.

All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I'm driving a used car.

You know what my philosophy of life is? That it’s important to have some laughs, but you got to suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life.

Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our water bed.