There is no advantage getting older. You don't get smarter, you don't get wiser, you don't get more mellow, you don't get more kindly, nothing good happens. Your back hurts more, you get more indigestion, your eyesight isn't as good, you need a hearing aid. It's a bad business getting old and I would advise you not to do it if you can avoid it. It doesn't have a romantic quality.

Never shoot up in the air when you're standing under it.

Your audience teaches you how to be funny.

A stockbroker is someone who invests other people's money until it is all gone.

I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

My grandfather had a wonderful funeral... On the buffet table there was a replica of the deceased in potato salad.

Marriage is the death of hope.