I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.

I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm taking an extra pair of underwear just in case.

Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?

I don't fear death. - I just don't want to be around when it happens.