I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

The only love that lasts is unrequited love.

Spencer was searching for a woman interested in gold, inorganic chemistry, outdoor sex and the music of Bach. In short, he was looking for himself, only female.

I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should stay married for life, like pigeons and Catholics.

It's funny. Maria Elena and I, we are meant for each other and not meant for each other, it's a contradiction.

See, I never gain an ounce, because, you know, my anxiety acts like aerobics.

I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.