I've had to remove all mirrors from my home. I just can't seem to look at myself without having to buff the bishop, you know?

I really do take more vacations than the president. You can quote me on that.

I like the punch beggers and panhandlers when they ask me for change. I feel like I am doing my part to clean up the streets.

That Hugh Laurie show is nothing but Scrubs fan fiction.

I wouldn't say I'm bigger than Jesus. If I had to guess, I'd say probably, yeah, but as far as I know, the bible is never clear on this.

I figure it this way - if a woman claims she didn't want me to fudge her, then you already know she's a liar. So what the hell's the point of a trial, y'know?

I'm really not one to brag, but I think my job is one of the most important things someone can do with their life. I mean, it really gives people a chance to live outside their means through someone else's vision. And I think that's something really great that I can give back to the community. Sure I could be a doctor or a lawyer, but do they really help anyone? Sure you can save someone's life, but can you really change it for the better? I'm not saying their jobs aren't important, just not as important as mine.