I've had to remove all mirrors from my home. I just can't seem to look at myself without having to buff the bishop, you know?

In my opinion, one of the biggest drawbacks about Sergio Leone films are the scores composed by Ennio Morricone. If [Leone] were as talented as I am, he would have made mixtapes for his movies instead of letting some schmuck write the soundtracks for him. But then if he were as talented as I am, he'd be Zach Braff. And have his own Grammy.

Im just not really attracted to black chicks.

You know I was just taking a dump one day, and then as I sat there I realized, I really do deserve better.

When I think about the holidays, I think about the Salvation Army guys ringing bells in front of stores. They're always so nice to you and they're always willing to give a heart to heart conversation. They actually bear the winter cold to ask for your petty cash with a smile on their face. Fudge those guys.

I always encourage over-tipping if you can afford it because share the wealth.

Hitler was about population control.