I like the punch beggers and panhandlers when they ask me for change. I feel like I am doing my part to clean up the streets.

I'm sick of people saying I hate blacks, women, and gays. It's false and slanderous. Everyone who knows me knows I hate the Chinese.

Sometimes, I go to Barnes & Noble with the sole intention of moving all copies of the bible to the fiction section.

Its not that I'm in love with myself, I'm just trying to pick up everyone else's slack.

It was really starting to get pathetic, everyday they would come in looking for one thing or another. 'Zach, can you give me some acting tips?' 'Zach, will you let me blow you?' 'Can I have some cash?' That's when I made the call, that's when I decided seven was enough

Some people just can't handle that they will never be a better actor than me

My dog has a cough. If you've never seen a dog with a cough, I recommend trying to find one. It's hilarious.