I use the N word almost daily. It reminds me that I'm successful

I love the holiday season, almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans.

People have always wondered what my opinion on Stevie Wonder is. I say if he's so great how come he can't see? I mean, God doesn't make mistakes, just look at me for example.

Let's face it, it's only called Scrubs because I'm saving 'Zach Braff' for my autobiography.

Once both gay marriage and marijuana are finally legal, those of you against them are not invited to the really fun parties I'm gonna throw.

I heard about the Dalai Lama, you know and I thought to myself, why not me?

The thing about hitting kids is, think about if you were doing the same thing to another adult. Hitting your kid is really the same as hitting your employee or wife, and the issue become pretty clear when you think about it that way.