I had a very funny family.

Every time I see a child walking down the street I like to trip them. While they look for their missing teeth, I personally remind them that no matter how hard they try I will always be better than them.

I know the Bible isn't real because it never once mentions me.

The problem with doing commercials is that the only thing good enough for me to sell is myself, and I stopped doing that once I kicked my coke habit.

I never go easy on kids when I play board games. The sooner they learn what the consequence of entering a competition is, the better. If they win, I punch them in the face like any adult.

It raises several serious questions. For example, how can there possibly be more than one person as awesome as me?

I'm not lazy, I drive everywhere myself, the dog could've learned something from me.