I had a very funny family.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

I'm not saying I hate Jews, I'm just saying that I think they shouldn't be alive any more.

I don't want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn't help matters.

Well, you need to have at least one black friend, otherwise people think you're racist

I once looked in the mirror at myself and noticed that, without a doubt, I am a sexy man. In fact, I don't think I'll ever get married...it just wouldn't be fair for my spouse to catch me enjoying a look in the mirror more than having sex with her.

Working on 'Scrubs' made me feel guilty because I realized that if I had decided to become an actual doctor, instead of just playing one, I could probably have found a cure to cancer within five years.