I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

It's a give and take relationship with my fans. They give me love and adoration, and I take it from them.

Women are like parking spots, the best ones are handicapped.

If you're dumb enough to volunteer for the army, I don't see why we're supposed to feel so bad when you get shot. I'm not saying we should throw a party or anything, but is it such a tragedy? If I'd gotten shot before I made 'Garden State', yeah, that's a tragedy, but some red-state hick getting his legs blown off? Come on.

I did theater for a few years while I was in New York, but it was tough having to perform scripts worse than what I knew I could write.

Have I ever had sex with a hooker? I'd like to answer that question with a question of my own. Can just anyone look up police records?

A lot of people say colonialism was 'evil' or whatever, but what have they really done with Africa since we gave it back to them? I don't think it should be considered 'racist' to admit maybe ending apartheid did more harm than good in South Africa.