I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

Sure the jews killed jesus, but the guy was an awful carpenter

If global warming is such a bad thing, then why is it taking out all of mankind's competitors? It just seems to me that the less species are out there, killing all our Caribou, the better.

I think sports are very beneficial in the fight against obesity. I remember playing little league - I was the best person on the pitch by a long shot. It was only last weekend actually, I think I have some photos of it if you're interested.

When I think about the holidays, I think about the Salvation Army guys ringing bells in front of stores. They're always so nice to you and they're always willing to give a heart to heart conversation. They actually bear the winter cold to ask for your petty cash with a smile on their face. Fudge those guys.

It's... it's such a weird thing. After Garden State, so many companies wanted to make my movies, and after The Last Kiss, I realized people would make anything I was in. As long as I keep this up I'll be swimming in chubby indie girl pussy.

I really couldn't say how famous I really am, that's for the history books to decide. But I'll probably be pretty up there.