I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

You know I was just taking a dump one day, and then as I sat there I realized, I really do deserve better.

You don't need an alarm clock when you sleep with 20 models a night, one of those broads'll figure out that they better make breakfast in bed or I'll kill all of them.

I just don't see how anyone can hate America. I mean, crap, I live there. What more do you need?

Michael Eisner contacted me once and asked me if he could change the name of Disneyland to 'Braffland.' I said no, because whenever I go to Disneyland there's always fat people everywhere wearing tight clothes. Disneyland, frankly, has a lot of improving to do before it gets my namesake.

It's just people trying to get on TV, not like it's really going to do them any good since people can just watch me.

I'm by no means condemning prescription medicine for mental health. I've seen it save a lot of people's lives.