There's a lot we should be able to learn from history. And yet history proves that we never do. In fact, the main lesson of history is that we never learn the lessons of history. This makes us look so stupid that few people care to read it. They'd rather not be reminded. Any good history book is mainly just a long list of mistakes, complete with names and dates. It's very embarrassing.

Enjoy every minute. There's plenty of time to be dead.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

The Baptists believe in The Right to Life before you're born. They also believe in Life After Death, but that is a privilege and you have to earn it by spending the interim in guilt-ridden misery. At an early age I decided that living a life of pious misery in the hope of going to heaven when it's over is a lot like keeping your eyes shut all through a movie in the hope of getting your money back at the end.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

I don't know whether you have any rights before you're born. All I know is that being born again doesn't entitle you to twice as many.

I don't know if the unborn has rights, but I do know that being born again doesn't give you more rights.