There's a lot we should be able to learn from history. And yet history proves that we never do. In fact, the main lesson of history is that we never learn the lessons of history. This makes us look so stupid that few people care to read it. They'd rather not be reminded. Any good history book is mainly just a long list of mistakes, complete with names and dates. It's very embarrassing.

I don't know if the unborn has rights, but I do know that being born again doesn't give you more rights.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

The Baptists' basic theology is that if you hold someone under water long enough, he'll come around to your way of thinking. It's a ritual known as 'Bobbing for Baptists.'

Any good history book is mainly just a long list of mistakes, complete with names and dates. It's very embarrassing.

I think it's time to stop carping on the blunders of the President and give him some credit for creativity. I mean, where do you even FIND a Jewish hard-line conservative Republican pot-smoker? Sounds like an Oprah Winfrey guest.

The past actually happened. History is what someone took the time to write down.