Plant trees. They give us two of the most crucial elements for our survival: oxygen and books.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

There's a lot we should be able to learn from history. And yet history proves that we never do. In fact, the main lesson of history is that we never learn the lessons of history. This makes us look so stupid that few people care to read it. They'd rather not be reminded. Any good history book is mainly just a long list of mistakes, complete with names and dates. It's very embarrassing.

You know, you look at the chaos in the conservative camp right now, it's only too tempting to blame it all on pot. But in fact, the Reagan revolution owes a lot to Reefer. For one thing, it's made the symptoms of senility socially acceptable.

The Baptists' basic theology is that if you hold someone under water long enough, he'll come around to your way of thinking. It's a ritual known as 'Bobbing for Baptists.'

I don't know whether you have any rights before you're born. All I know is that being born again doesn't entitle you to twice as many.

I am as frustrated with society as a pyromaniac in a petrified forest.