Plant trees. They give us two of the most crucial elements for our survival: oxygen and books.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Saint George killed the last dragon, and he was called a hero for it. I've never seen a dragon, and I wish he would have left at least one. Saint Patrick made a name for himself by running the snakes out of Ireland, leaving the place vulnerable to rodent infestation. This business of making saints out of men who exterminate their fellow creatures has got to stop. All I'm saying is, it's starting to get a little lonely up here at the top of the food chain.

I don't know whether you have any rights before you're born. All I know is that being born again doesn't entitle you to twice as many.

I never joined, but I used to go to church now and then. I liked it, because they always passed out plates of money at the end.

I am as frustrated with society as a pyromaniac in a petrified forest.

I think it's time to stop carping on the blunders of the President and give him some credit for creativity. I mean, where do you even FIND a Jewish hard-line conservative Republican pot-smoker? Sounds like an Oprah Winfrey guest.