If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them, and half as much money.

If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.

Fighting fire with fire only gets you ashes!

Kids grow up awfully fast these days,"she said. "You should try to have a good relationship with your kids, no matter what they do.

A church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints.

So yesterday you fell off the wagon? Or maybe you blew your diet? Or lost your temper and shot off your mouth? Well, that was yesterday. Today is a brand-new day with a clean slate, so forget yesterday!

Never advise anyone to go to war or to get married.