A lot of critics object to what I do, but I got into comedy to make people laugh, and I've always worked hard.

When I take my kid to school, all the parents stop and stare.

Comedy, such a lovely lady, she'll pick you up, you your feeling blue.

If a girl breaks up with me, I want her to just die, just be dead. Not 'cause I hate her so much as it's just easier for when my friends go, 'Hey, what happened?' 'Oh, she's dead. I'd still be with her, but she's dead. What can I do? She was loving me, but she's dead.'

I say things, like every other parent, that reminds you of your own parents. One thing I do know about being a parent, you understand why your father was in a bad mood a lot.

I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?

I wasn't a kid growing up thinking, 'One day I'll get an Oscar and make a speech.' That wasn't on my mind.