In high school I wanted to be a rock star and was in a lot of bands.

My kids don't have a trust fund, they have a debt fund. And when I die, they're $4 million in the hole.

I shouldn't be near Vegas and have money in my pocket.

The only reason I got into stand-up was because my brother told me to. I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. I was 17 and my brother went to a comedy club and he said - you can do that.

I wasn't a kid growing up thinking, 'One day I'll get an Oscar and make a speech.' That wasn't on my mind.

How do I speak Spanish? Not too well.

Now that I'm a parent, I understand why my father was in a bad mood a lot.