I know now that everything I write, I'm going to put out, and I'll have to live with it for the rest of my life.

What kind of morons do you have working at newspapers in Austin that would base an entire review of an artist's performance on whether or not they had a good seat?

It doesn't take a military genius to see we'll all be crispy critters after World War III.

It's hard to force creativity and humor.

I don't really look at myself as the kind of person who craves attention, but I've never been to therapy so there's probably a lot of stuff about myself that I don't know.

Somebody will come up to me after a show and have me sign their arm, and the next time I see them my autograph has been permanently inscribed on their arm.

I don't watch a lot of other people's parodies because I don't want to be unduly influenced.