I feel sorry for many politicians we expect them to be completely consistent and moralised when we're not.

If you travel to the States... they have a lot of different words than like what we use. For instance: they say 'elevator', we say 'lift'; they say 'drapes', we say 'curtains'; they say 'president', we say 'seriously deranged git.'

The optimum frequency with which comedians should do a series is every year. I do one every three years. My audience is literally dying off.

Dire Straits is a great band. Someone tells you they like ""Brothers in Arms"" and immediately you know they're a stupid annoying git.

For me, the showbiz memoir is uninteresting - you want to tell people something they don't know about.

If I won the lottery I'd start a charity that helped little family hardware stores, cobblers and fruit shops open in city centres.

First off, I have to mention what is undoubtedly the greatest phenomenon of the modern era: All You Can Eat Buffets.