I like old people falling over, that's what makes me laugh.

The whole business of smoking is like forcing yourself to wear tight shoes just to get the pleasure of taking them off.

You should never meet your heroes. Paul Newman... I was so excited about meeting him, but he turned up in shell suit bottoms, slippers, and a jumper. He was just so worn out and old, he wanted to go home.

I haven't really got much get up and go. I can't believe I'm on the telly. I'm so lazy.

I was at college doing performing arts, and just spending all my time mucking about, and the lecturers thought I would be pretty good at stand-up, so I gave it a whirl.

A lot of comedians, when they have a bad gig, will blame everything but themselves. They'll blame the crowd, or the room was wrong, it had a weird vibe, or the promoter promoted a weird atmosphere.

I hate Shakespeare. I think Shakespeare's rubbish.