I was at college doing performing arts, and just spending all my time mucking about, and the lecturers thought I would be pretty good at stand-up, so I gave it a whirl.

I haven't really got much get up and go. I can't believe I'm on the telly. I'm so lazy.

I was quite pleased that Prince Philip didn't say anything like, I hate queers! He was quite well behaved.

I like old people falling over, that's what makes me laugh.

A lot of comedians, when they have a bad gig, will blame everything but themselves. They'll blame the crowd, or the room was wrong, it had a weird vibe, or the promoter promoted a weird atmosphere.

I'm just generally hugely frustrated, I'm a very, very frustrated man. I'm just a ball of pent-up frustration.

The whole business of smoking is like forcing yourself to wear tight shoes just to get the pleasure of taking them off.