Comedy is the drug, when they laugh it's like I'm a jazz musician and they hear it, and they get it. It's power to take the crowd wherever I want them to go. I love it when they laugh, especially when they relate through laughter. It's a beautiful thing. It also means I'm going to get paid, which is nice.

Watching news showing all the same sex marriages. How long before first same sex divorce?

Nothing good ever climbed up the side of a boat.

I have fantasies of burning down an insurance company just so THEY have to make a claim.

I like psycho chicks... Yeah, you hook up with a psycho, you're gonna learn something. First thing you learn is how to sleep with one eye open.

Latinos outnumber Black people now. I'm not too happy about it. Because it's only a matter of time before we lose our month. Soon as they figure it out, they're going to have Latino History Month. All we're going to have is Cinco de Negro.

I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.