Black people don't hijack planes, alright? Now I'll be the first to admit, we steal a lot of stuff, but we do not hijack planes. In fact, in the history of aviation, a black person has never even attempted to hijack a plane. Do you want to know why? Because you can't sell an airplane.

I have fantasies of burning down an insurance company just so THEY have to make a claim.

I'm a black male, over 40, with no kids, living in the suburbs - they wanted to put me in a museum. Why did I move to the suburbs? I started watching Desperate Housewives. If comedy didn't work out I can always try gardening.

I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the good old days. I'm black, we have no good old days.

Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.

I wasn't always a comic, I used to do honest work.

Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home.