In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.

Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home.

We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody.

I have fantasies of burning down an insurance company just so THEY have to make a claim.

Nothing good ever climbed up the side of a boat.

I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the good old days. I'm black, we have no good old days.

There are three goals for any comedian: to make a living as a comedian; I've been fortunate to do that. To make a name for yourself and to be famous would be great - because it would give me that freedom.