In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.

Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home.

Watching news showing all the same sex marriages. How long before first same sex divorce?

I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the good old days. I'm black, we have no good old days.

Comedy is the drug, when they laugh it's like I'm a jazz musician and they hear it, and they get it. It's power to take the crowd wherever I want them to go. I love it when they laugh, especially when they relate through laughter. It's a beautiful thing. It also means I'm going to get paid, which is nice.

I grew up in the suburbs. I'm an angry suburban nergo. I'm bad in, like, Starbucks. I'll hurt you over a frappuccino.

We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody.