In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.

They sold me a duvet cover, and I don't have a duvet, I don't think. Then, they started treating me like I'm the idiot. They're like, 'Do you have a comforter?' 'Yeah.' 'Well, you have to protect it!' I had no idea it was under attack.

I like psycho chicks... Yeah, you hook up with a psycho, you're gonna learn something. First thing you learn is how to sleep with one eye open.

You can't bring tweezers on an airplane. If I'm on a plane and you try to hijack it with tweezers, I'll whip your ass, man. You think I'm going to be late because you've got tweezers and a bad attitude?

Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home.

Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.

I have fantasies of burning down an insurance company just so THEY have to make a claim.