I was teaching airplane mechanics when I realized it was more fun to make them laugh. I was laid off one more time and I never looked back, although it was nice to have a steady paycheck and benefits.

Nothing good ever climbed up the side of a boat.

Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been along for years... it's called cash.

I could always make people laugh.

Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home.

Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.

I have fantasies of burning down an insurance company just so THEY have to make a claim.