I was teaching airplane mechanics when I realized it was more fun to make them laugh. I was laid off one more time and I never looked back, although it was nice to have a steady paycheck and benefits.

I could always make people laugh.

Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home.

We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody.

I wasn't always a comic, I used to do honest work.

I ride because there’s nothing like in the world. It’s a passion. It’s something I absolutely have to do and I can never imagine not doing it.

Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been along for years... it's called cash.