I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.

Watching news showing all the same sex marriages. How long before first same sex divorce?

I didn't understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a couple of NASCAR fans and you'll see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. And I can make fun of NASCAR fans, because if they chase me, I just turn right.

In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.

Black people don't hijack planes, alright? Now I'll be the first to admit, we steal a lot of stuff, but we do not hijack planes. In fact, in the history of aviation, a black person has never even attempted to hijack a plane. Do you want to know why? Because you can't sell an airplane.

I wasn't always a comic, I used to do honest work.

I have fantasies of burning down an insurance company just so THEY have to make a claim.